The sum of it.

So, I have mixed feelings about this. Big surprise. I know I've been
very organized about this move (just like the last one and the one
before that (that was from michigan to virginia)) and I have everything
packed and moved into my living room so the movers can just pick up most
of the items from one spot and load them up.

But, I look at the boxes and feel like saying 'Is this all I add up to?
This is it for my life?' I'm 34 years old and this is all there is to
me? Which is bizarre for me to be asking because I am practically
phobic about having stuff or permanent stuff anyway.

I just feel like there should be something that stands out and says I've
really done something important. But that's sort of silly, unless its
a huge trophy, what would there be to see? It would be sealed up in a
box.

It just comes down to being unsettled by moving, which I know well about
myself. I also know that a lot of it is also nagging dissatisfaction
with how my life has unfolded since moving to virginia. Its really been
a big letdown and downhill tumble. I've started trying (continued
constantly? Its not like I was ever resting on my heels.) To really
improve my course now that it seems like I have to stay in the network
engineering line of work.

I also am kind of feeling like a lack of success in the personal life
realm needs to be addressed. This is a lot harder to know what to do
about for me. I've been single, invisible, and celebate for the past
several years, how do you just turn from that? I've never had a
serious relationship of any length and I can't fathom why some people
stay together, and yet they seem to have happy relationships for years.

So, I'm trying to make some changes. I have a vision of how I'd like to
live and the work I'd like to do. I'm going to try to keep making a
living in DC without using a car and being a responsible person who
tries to balance wants with a larger world view. Meanwhile, a friend
had approached me about working on bioinformatic open source projects in
our free time to try to keep ourselves involved in the community, I
think that sounds like a good idea. That may be enough to keep me happy
as I work a primary job that may not always be fulfilling. I also want
to try to develop, slowly and deliberately, a rewarding personal life.

So we'll see. First I have to move, then the rest.